According to a scientific study, beauty can be reduced to a series of mathematical ratios involving the distance between facial features (eyes, nose, mouth, etc.). For example, there is an ideal ratio between the distance from nose to lips and the distance between each of the eyes. Apparently, Liv Tyler is the most beautiful woman in the world.

John asked Liv Tyler to dinner. He had reservations at a restaurant that had been given three stars by the Michelin Guide, so Liv Tyler agreed to go. Also, she thought John was cute.

John was of middling height, weight, and intelligence. He was quick witted without being especially bright, which served him very well on first dates. He was clean-cut and had a job handling art for a prominent gallery.

At dinner, Liv Tyler was very beautiful. She ordered soup and ate it very smoothly. Liv Tyler could eat a whole meal without seeming to move. That is what is known as grace.

John ordered an expensive French dish. His pronunciation and accent were flawless. When he ate, his mouth moved. His jaw visibly rose and fell and shifted slightly from left to right as he chewed. Liv Tyler's jaw stayed perfectly aligned during the whole meal. At most her jaw lowered a quarter of an inch.

When she laughed, Liv Tyler's lips would part with a strange exactness and her jaw would barely flutter. She spoke with a similarly austere perfection.

John was entranced. Typically, he'd notice that a girl would make a weird face or he'd catch her at a bad angle and his ideal image of his date would be smashed. One eye would squint just out of sequence with the other, or one dimple would be deeper during laughter. Sometimes the girl would smile with the side of her mouth and somewhere during the re-centering of her features her face would pass through an ungainly position. For some reason, it was this awkward instant that always impressed itself on John's memory. He was never able to shake these worst-faces, and everyone had one, so John did not go on second dates.

Liv Tyler never showed a worst-face. She'd trained herself to lift her nose and adjust her eyebrows ever so slightly so that she maintained her ratios even when forced to open her mouth. Her facial control was unparalleled and every muscle was finely calibrated. John was not in love, but he was completely smitten.

Liv Tyler enjoyed John's company and she spent so much energy calculating her facial movements that she didn't notice the superficiality of his charm. She agreed to go on a second date. The following Thursday, John was to pick her up at her home and then they would drive to an upscale miniature golf course. Liv Tyler was an excellent putter.

Thursday came. As agreed, John drove to Liv Tyler's house. She answered the door wearing a stunning blue dress. John told her it complimented her skin tone, which was true. Liv Tyler thanked him and asked if he wouldn't mind waiting a few minutes while she used the restroom.

John sat on her living room sofa and leafed through a copy of Interview Magazine. It was a boring issue, but the pictures were decent. He put down the magazine and surveyed the room. It was well appointed, but less ostentatious than he had imagined. He picked up another magazine and began to read an article about sleep deprivation. Liv Tyler was taking more than a few minutes.

John was thirsty. Liv Tyler was not using air conditioning because she was trying to conserve energy. The house was almost unbearably hot. John decided to get a glass of water, but did not know how to find the kitchen.

"Where is your kitchen? I'm going to get some water."

She responded with directions, but John couldn't make out what she said. He followed the sound of her voice to the small downstairs bathroom. The door was open and he peeked inside.

Liv Tyler was standing in front of the mirror contorting her features into the most inhuman configurations possible. She was practicing her face exercises – her perfect facial-muscle control required an intense regimen of daily workouts. John wanted to burn out his eyes. The woman in front of him couldn't be Liv Tyler. He didn't say anything. He turned quickly and walked out of the house. Liv Tyler's face just kept squirming in the mirror.