TEN WAYS TO WRITE A BESTSELLING NOVEL

It’s easy. Just follow these steps:

1. Write a novel about yourself, as fictional as possible, and call it a memoir. Whatever you do, never call a memoir a novel. Make the novel as degrading to yourself as possible. Some suggestions: your parents made you have sex with the cat and mow the lawn with nail clippers; you were forced to play cops and robbers with loaded guns; your Barbie and Ken dolls were stripped of their clothes and placed in provocative positions while you slept. And so forth.

2. Alternatively, write an actual novel and make sure the title is worded as follows: “The _____ Ladies’ _____ Club.” For instance, The Connecticut Ladies’ Philosophy Club. Make sure to include as many colloquialisms as possible, if Connecticut has any colloquialisms.

3. Here’s the most popular method, which is a variation of the suggestion above: Simply rewrite a preexisting bestseller. Here’s one idea: “Hidden” in the painting of The Last Supper, all the plates are empty. Obviously, Jesus didn’t intend to die at all. Rather, he was planning an escape. Take a close look at the painting; dozens of conspiracies suggest themselves.

4. If you must be literary, write about a divorcee headed to Maine or some other rustic area, where she will find herself. Somehow long ago she lost herself in that place to which she is going without ever having been there before. This is called author’s license. In any case, the heroine must always be “lost” at the start of the novel. This is why we call it a novel: People always lose but never find themselves. The self is impossible to find because people talk themselves out of its actual location, which is exactly where they happen to be, the last place anyone wants to be. Don’t let that reality stop you. The more apparently-realistic the literary novel, the further from reality it should travel.

5. Another possibility is to cop a “foreign” writer’s novel and hope no one notices. It worked for Cormac McCarthy; it just might work for you, especially if you have that Montana look, nice and weathered, as if you’ve done just about everything but write.

6. That brings to mind another point: the author bio photo. The less you look like someone who actually writes, the better. The only exception regards novel/memoir writers, who are allowed to look like writers due to the abuse they’ve heaped upon themselves, either literally or not. If writing a romantic novel, get out the makeup. Red hair is preferable. Make sure the photographer uses a special lens that will cause viewers to suspect they have some sort of visual problem that corrects all defects.

7. More on bio pics. For literary writers, pose with your eyeglasses off, holding them in hand with one stem in the mouth, as if you’re about to eat your spectacles. For crime and suspense writers, try to look like Sean Connery.

8. Once upon a time, we had carbon copies, and then we had the photocopying machine, and then we had the scanner. But in all of these cases, it will be obvious if you directly copied a successful novel. It’s not that major publishers would mind; it’s only that doing so would be illegal, and the publisher’s attorneys would mind that. Thus, unfortunately, you’re going to have to rewrite an existing bestseller. Don’t bother trying very hard.

9. Take the page of your dictionary that contains the word “originality” and rip it out. Now formulate a ritual that will forever banish this word from your vocabulary. You might tear the page to shreds and dance beneath them on a shoreline. If the water fails to carry the pieces away, seagulls mistaking them for tofu will. Remember: “Originality” is a word you want to forget…forever. Pick a novel and get going. If you’re a software engineer, you may be able to design a program that does the work for you.

10. Finally, a word about style. Style, as explained and apparently cast upon the world by Moses-though under the names Strunk & White-is defined as “plain and simple.” Like most of the people who will read your bestseller, the language should be plain and simple. You should not even make “word choices.” That implies there’s more than one way to say the same thing. Remember #9, too. Finally, write as if your audience has a fifth grade education, which is largely true, and you can’t go wrong.

By Paul A. Toth

Paul A. Toth lives in Sarasota, Florida. He is the author of three novels, the latest being Finale. The majority of his short fiction, poetry and multimedia work, as well as links to order his novels, can be accessed at www.netpt.tv.