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Break Every Rule, Part 3 of 3

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

It’s easy to fool yourself into thinking that city life is superior to smaller town life, to rural life. In “Surrender,” Maso describes how she had been hired to teach at Illinois State University, and how low her expectations were of living and working there, but also how her feelings shifted:

I was expecting nothing. Then, after a while I was expecting an extreme provinciality from my Central Illinois. But finally I came to realize that it is not more provincial than one of the minor cities: Pittsburgh or Milwaukee, say.

Maso’s eventual openness allowed her to see the Midwest’s beauty:

This land of stark miracle springing from the extraordinarily fertile earth. Flat earth. Where each night on the flatlands I dream of a curvaceous woman. She cups water in her hands. And I marvel at the beauty of the cornfields and the sky. Count pheasants. Visit what I’ve dubbed the Beckett tree, straight out of Godot. The land is breathtaking in its austerity, in its uncompromising forever, as gorgeous as anything I’ve ever seen. A different sort of ocean.

She also developed a real love for her students and wanted to “celebrate their instincts, their feeling for language, their willingness to try anything” with her:

Writing classes are about trust, of course, and after a while, in the safe place that we have created together they begin writing their dreams, their fantasies, their desires. What many of them write about again and again is a thing they have never seen—the ocean. I am moved by their longing—these children of the Midwest, these children of ISU—cinder-blocked, landlocked. They swim in high water. They never tire. They begin to learn how to write themselves free.

Imagine a classroom built not on stranglehold notions of discipline, of policies and procedures, but on trust, on reciprocity, on freedom, a classroom that’s a safe haven for, as Maso writes, dreams, fantasies, and desires.

My experiences in the classroom have rarely felt that way. More often, it was structured around fulfilling requirements, about having to prove acquisition of key concepts, about putting my guard up rather than being encouraged, and given a safe space, to be vulnerable. So, have you ever had an experience in the classroom where you were free to dream, to fantasize, to express your desires? Have you ever been in a classroom where you felt you could try anything as a student? as a teacher?

(originally published by and reprinted in partnership with www.bigother.com)

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‘The Hermaphrodite’: An Hallucinated Book Review

Thursday, February 25th, 2010

Daniel Grandbois, The Hermaphrodite: An Hallucinated Memoir, Los Angeles, Green Integer Books, 2010, $13.95

How shall I review The Hermaphrodite?  One could simply label it a humorous book that revels playfully in the unraveling of received meaning, of apparent opposites, of anything under, over, or between the sun.  To be sure, one could start with the tired and true convention of placing Daniel Grandbois’ latest hallucination within its larger literary context.  One could mention his name along the likes of Richard Brautigan, Italo Calvino, Woody Allen, and Dr. Seuss. Yet does one truly experience the fundamental essence of The Hermaphrodite from this approach?  Yes, you say, this is a fabulist work, Mr. Reviewer, I see!  An enema for the habitually realist mind!  Indeed, this assertion appears to be as true as “true” can be, but what of our sacred yet bowlegged hermaphrodite, its unfresh breath “pungent with the odor of protoplasm?”  What is the meaning of this El Hermaphrodita? you demand.  Meaning? I demur, sliding rather pleasurably into convention number two of my literary arsenal, AKA, genre identification.

The Hermaphrodite, I exclaim, could be described — like Grandbois’ previous collection of tales (Unlucky Lucky Days) — as a tour-de-force in various short forms such as the fable, the parable, the fairytale, the allegory, and the creation story.

But what does any of that explain? you observe, rather willfully.

Similarly, I shout, one could say that Grandbois has written in tour-de-force fashion a novel in prose poetry — quite often stunningly beautiful in its hallucinatory lyricism — wherein the sentence as a unit of meaning functions much like the line in traditional poetry, to undermine expected meaning, to defamiliarize rather than linearize: “Simone’s surrender commingled with the cotton fibers of her panties, staining them with fertility icons and incomprehensible crystalline formations like snow. Oceans can be drawn into glaciers to reveal connections between lands.” To expect the unexpected, therefore, is surely one meaning that can be abstracted from The Hermaphrodite’s often startling juxtapositions.

I hate the unexpected! you pout, packing your bags for an Iowa workshop.

Stop, dear reader, I interrupt, one can go even further and point to the journey as an essential form here; although unlike Cervantes’ Don Quixote, The Hermaphrodite’s cast of characters do not, as Milan Kundera says, “go out freely and come as [they] please.”  No, here the journey is best understood as the multidimensional adventure of the mind, perceptually tripping balls off LSD/other hallucinogens: “One day, as Alfred was meditating in his tree, using the knocking of a woodpecker as his mantra, the significance of the hole became clear. It revealed itself as a kind of bird that took him in its beak and soared through the stratosphere and out into space, until the man’s humble hole took on the properties of an astronomical black hole, to which Alfred surrendered, as one must.”

Drugs are illegal, you observe, rather preachily.

Reader dearest, I sigh.

Yes, sir?

Just hush.

And finally, one would be remiss without addressing the supposed memoirist nature of this “memoir.”  Just whose memories exactly are we remembering here?  Grandbois?  The hermaphrodite?  The answer probably falls somewhere in-between, as most of the meaning does here, but one could read this as an absurdist’s metaphysical riff on humanity’s various and sundry attempts to find meaning in the world, which, of course, brings us rather happily back to the question of El Hermaphrodita.  Just what the hell is it?  Neither fish nor fowl, male nor female, the hermaphrodite lives happily “in the bliss of confusion, having surrendered unknowably to the unknowable.”  And that, dear readers, is my final answer to you: The Hermaphrodite is all about reveling in the experience of life — however confusing it may be — rather than attempting to understand or categorize an enigma.  Stop making sense, David Byrne says.  Indeed, we respond, with a cockeyed glance, dropping the tab of Grandbois on our tongues.  Oh, yes.  I see now.  Ah.


by Steve Owen

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Break Every Rule, Part 2 of 3

Monday, February 22nd, 2010

Whereas the first chapter of Carole Maso’s Break Every Rule (I wrote about it HERE) is a kind of travelogue where cities or towns in Rhode Island, New Jersey, New York, and Massachusetts, as well as in France, inspire reveries on home and language, the second chapter unfolds much differently. “Notes of a Lyric Artist Working in Prose: a Lifelong Conversation with Myself Entered Midway” is a series of brilliant, and sometimes enigmatic, epigrams on writing, on lyric poetry, on the novel. These are luscious morsels that can be cherry-picked at random. At one point, she writes:

Language engenders language. Language itself presents unexpected and often extraordinary solutions. It leads you to the what next? To the how and why. To the what if, and if only.

Interspersing quotes from Jean Luc Godard, Andrey Tarkovsky, and Virginia Woolf, Maso reflects on writing her novels AVA and The American Woman in the Chinese Hat. She likens the latter to Rilke’s The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge, because “both, as lyric novels, move image by image toward intensity. Images follow a progress through interplays and modulation until they reach a level of nearly unbearable intensity. Action is a concern, but a secondary one.” While Maso’s thoughts on her novels are intriguing in their own right, it is her expansive reflections on the lyric novel in particular that’s most interesting to me:

“The novel’s capacity for failure. It’s promiscuity, its verve. Always trying to attain the unattainable. Container of the uncontainable. Weird, gorgeous vessel. Voluptuous vessel.

“The novel as a kind of eternity. A kind of infinity. Inevitable progressions of beauty—with room and time enough for all.”

“The novel might be musically or visually conceived—pictorial relationships, symphonic turns rendered in prose.”

“The novel as a geometry of desire.”

“The novel is all potential. All what might be. All what might have been. A record of all we cannot remember, all we’ve lost—never to be retrieved.”

While I certainly disagree with Maso that James Joyce, because he never goes “beyond the self,” “fails finally to be a great novelist,”  I find a lot of inspiring thoughts in this chapter.

So what is the novel to you, for you?

(originally published by and reprinted in partnership with www.bigother.com)

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Break Every Rule, Part 1 of 3

Thursday, February 18th, 2010

Carole Maso’s Break Every Rule is a quiet, elegant book of essays. Every sentence here is a gem. Remember that time you walked barefoot across a pebbled beach, marveled at every sea-bitten thing, picked up some bright form that warmed your palm, that had some power in it. That’s what it’s like reading Maso.

The first chapter, “The Shelter of the Alphabet,” is a series of ruminations on home, the idea of it, the concreteness it sometimes takes, how it remains elusive:

I think of all things that are outside the range of our memories or imaginations or intelligence or talent—it’s the place I suspect which is our true home. If we could get there we would finally be okay. But we can’t. We are homeless, groping, roaming in the darkness, aware of only a fraction of it.

She writes much about her travels, her peripatetic life, and how words became home for her, housed her like no other place, structure, or idea:

I am a wandering soul—but not an aimless one. I’ve learned well how to listen and I’ve gone wherever my work told me to go. Wherever my work took me, insistent, I went. I have been forced, in order to continue writing on my own terms, to leave over and over again. I who live everywhere and nowhere have built a home of language. I have been forced to create a home of my own making. A home of music and desire. I can at this point make a home wherever I go. I open my large artist’s notebook, I pick up a pen, I turn on the radio; I dream of you—the best, the most mysterious one, the most remote and beautiful aspect of self.

Reflecting on a sentence she had once written, one she considered “[d]arkly imagined” and “a splintered, troubling thing,” she writes:

It so captures my emotional state in language, mirrored, and as a result becomes company, something present, something palpable….The language construct is no longer about an emotional state for me, but has become one, and in that way I am no longer utterly isolated in it and without a viable structure. Home is any ordinary, gorgeous sentence that is doing its work.

Home for me is in the syntax, in the syllables. In the syncopations and in the silences. A movement in the mind, the eye, the mouth. Home is the luminous imagination. India haunting me after the Satyatjit Ray retrospective. Home is in Sappho’s fragments, in imagining what was there before the papyrus tore. The imagination providing a foundation, a roof, and windows that let you see forever.

Here’s another reverie:

When I write sentences I am at home. When I make shapes. When I do not, I am damned, doomed, homeless; I know this well—restless, roaming; the actual places I’ve lived become unrecognizable, and I, too, monstrous, am unrecognizable to myself. In the gloating, enormous strangeness and solitude of the real world, where I am often inconsolable, marooned, utterly dizzied—all I need to do is pick up a pen and begin to write—safe in the shelter of the alphabet, and I am taken home. Back into the blinding waves, the topaz light, the fire. Or far off into the enthralling, voluptuous dark.

When you get a chance treat yourself to this interview with Carole Maso by Brian Evenson.

So what about you? What are your ideas of home? What/where/who is home for you? What is language for you? What are words for you? Gary Lutz once called the sentence “a lonely place.” William Gass often calls it a “container of consciousness.” So what is a sentence for you? A paragraph? A page?

(originally published by and reprinted in partnership with www.bigother.com)

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Cruel Love

Tuesday, February 9th, 2010

Louise Erdrich fans rejoice!  Her new novel “Shadow Tag” is out and it’s receiving a nice review by Leah Hager Cohen of The New York Times.

“Shadow Tag” is, as its publisher declares, unlike any other Louise Erdrich novel. That isn’t to say it’s devoid of the Native American themes that permeate her many previous books. Both Irene and her husband, Gil, are of Indian heritage. Raised by a white mother, Gil clings to his paternal “mishmash of Klamath and Cree and landless Montana Chippewa.” Irene also grew up with a single mother, in her case a political activist who “dragged her to everything Ojibwe.” Their shared culture closely informs both their careers. Gil, an artist, paints portraits of his wife, often in “cruel” or “humiliating” poses evocative of the history of whites’ mistreatment of Indians. (“She appeared raped, dismembered, dying of smallpox in graphic medical detail.”) Indeed, Gil envisions the series — which has become both famous and lucrative, and which he’s named after his wife: “America 1,” “America 2” and so on — as representing “the iconic suffering of a people.” Irene is a historian. Or she would be if she hadn’t stalled partway through her Ph.D. thesis on Louis Riel, “the depressed métis patriot.” When the novel begins, she’s at work on a new study, of George Catlin, “the 19th-century painter of Native Americana,” whose subjects, she reminds herself, “would sicken and die soon after” he finished their portraits. (read more)

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Make War. Make Talk. Make It All Unreal.

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010

Michiko Kakutani of The New York Times on Don DeLillo’s new novella, “Point Omega”:

“Like many of Mr. DeLillo’s earlier books, “Omega” is preoccupied with death and dread and paranoia, and like many of those books, it has an ingenious architecture that gains resonance in retrospect. But even its clever structural engineering can’t make up for the author’s uncharacteristically simplistic portrait of its hero: a pompous intellectual who shamelessly justifies sending thousands of young soldiers off to die in an unnecessary war with abstract, philosophical arguments, but who suddenly comes to know the meaning of death and loss firsthand when his beloved daughter abruptly disappears.” (read more)


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Ray of the Star by Laird Hunt

Monday, January 25th, 2010

Ray of the Star opens with two nods in the direction of French writer Georges Perec. The first, a quotation from his 1967 novel A Man Asleep, serves as entry to the story: Now you must learn how to last. A man named Harry has suffered the unexpected deaths of some people, likely family members, about whom he cares very much. The narrative jumps ahead an unspecified amount of time to Harry abandoning his home, his job, everything. He’s running away from everything with nowhere to go. Like the protagonist of A Man Asleep, this is a man realizing he no longer knows how to live—all that is left now is learning how to last.” (read more)

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What We Loved in 2009

Friday, January 1st, 2010

We wanted to wait until the 1st of January to put this up. Everyone jumps right on the My-2009-List bandwagon days, sometimes even weeks, before the New Year. What if something happens on the eve that displaces an item previously thought invaluable? So, without further delay, below is a list of things Flatmancrooked staff enjoyed in 2009. This list is not divided into categories or ordered by importance but rather alphabetized because the alphabet is good for you. Feel free to add to our list if there is something you loved that we should have.

#

The scene in 2012 where the entire state of California falls into the sea.

A

Garner by Kirstin Allio

B

Bittorrent

Nazi Literature in the Americas & Last Evenings On Earth by Roberto Bolano

Bobby Flay’s Mesa Grill in Las Vegas, NV


Bon Iver

BookCourt in Brooklyn, NY

Small Craft Warnings: Stories by Kate Braverman

Brooklyn, NY

C

Await Your Reply by Dan Chaon

Champiñones al Ajillo at Tapa the World in Sacramento, CA

D

Deena’s Bjork costumedeenabjork

Dexter

One Story Issue # 128: The Restoration of the Villa Where Tibor Kálmán Once Lived” by Tamas Dobozy

E

Elegy (Penelope Cruz and Ben Kingsley) – Released in 2008 but it was so good we just kept enjoying it.

Baby Leg by Brian Evenson

Last Days by Brian Evenson

The Wavering Knife by Brian Evenson

Fugue State by Brian Evenson

F

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Fly-Over State by Emma Straub

The Poems of Emily Dickinson, Ed. by R.W. Franklin

the Forecast project

Pizza at Franny’s in Brooklyn

G

The Arsenic Lobster: A Hybrid Memoir by Peter Grandbois

H

The House of the Devil

I

Illegal Art

Inland Empire

In the Loop (“Shut Up, love actually!”)

J

Josh liked finishing Grad School

Extreme amounts of Joy

K

Koshihikari Echigo Beer at Tamaya Sushi in Sacramento, CA

L

Just Enough A.J. Liebling,with an intro by David Remnick

Lovin’

M

M + E’s Chronic City poster

Macaroni & Cheese, Fried Chicken at Paul Martin’s

Mad Men

Maker’s Mark

The Momofuku Cookbook

Ding Dong at Mulvanney’s in Sacramento

N

The National

The Nervous Breakdown

The Next Country by Idra Novey

Not About Vampires from Flatmancrooked

O

Barack Obama Inauguration

P

Pork Belly Tacos at B Star in San Francisco, CA

Precious (if you haven’t seen this movie . . . you’re kinda silly)



A Defense of Poetry by Gabriel Gudding

R

The Road

The Rumpus

S

Salvadore Plascencia

She Wolf by Shakira

Single Ladies by Beyonce

Soup

Stillwater Cove: Sonoma County, CA

Poe’s Children: The New Horror – An Anthology, edited by Peter Straub

Emma Straub

T

Tea

Theft (or repositioning) of hotel topiary

W

The New Valley by Josh Weil

The White Ribbon

Y

It’s Blitz! – Yeah Yeah Yeah’s

Once the Shore by Paul Yoon


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THINGS FALL APART: Why Chinua Achebe is still the Father of African Literature

Thursday, November 12th, 2009

Chielo Zona Eze, author of The Trial of Robert Mugabe, blogs frequently on African Literature News & Review, and I follow his news updates on African literature. His latest post is on Chinua Achebe’s rejection of the label “Father of African Literature,” which The Guardian picked up based on an interview conducted by the Brown University newspaper, the Brown Daily Herald.

Eze’s blog chronicles other news about African literature, with interesting reviews on such books as Harare North, An Elegy for Easterly, The Thing Around Your Neck, and many others. Although short, his entries show a devotion to African literature, sometimes founded in pure excitement, as when Oprah selected Uwem Akpan’s short story collection for her book club. Eze’s entry celebrated her choice as a great moment for African writers, pointing out that Western agents and editors might finally realize that they can profit from African writing. And indeed, Say You’re One of Them featured on The New York Times bestseller list,  is a good indicator that the book is actually being bought.

To return to Chinua Achebe, I used to teach Things Fall Apart in San Francisco. I would ask my students to first read Heart of Darkness and excerpts of other books on Africa first. Then we would dissect W.B. Yeats’ “The Second Coming,” before moving on, ultimately, to Things Fall Apart. It was a composition class, so the depth we could delve into the literature was limited, but Things Fall Apart never failed to interest the students, despite the initial cultural distance. The students response, first, to Conrad was a perfect segue, because through Conrad’s novella they saw how literature was used to argue contrary perspective, and they had fun (in my faithful judgment) writing a comparative paper on the two authors’ approach to colonization. But specifically I enjoyed talking about Achebe, and sharing my childhood experience reading him.

When we read, we associate the book’s setting with places we actually know. In my case, I often remember the place I first read a novel. When I originally encountered William Faulkner’s The Sound and the Fury, I was at Machipisa in Highfield, Harare, waiting for an Emergency Taxi to Glen View. That was in January, 1988. Later, when I went back to the rural areas during school break (I was in Form 5), my friends asked me how A-Level was, and my answer was to share with them passages from Faulkner, D.H. Lawrence, and a little Shakespeare (Measure for Measure, I recall specifically), ignoring the fact that some of them had failed O-Level literature. But I recall vividly walking along the Gwavachemai Mountain range, headed for the small hill that was popular for its sweet baobabs, and holding court there with my friends.

Regarding Things Fall Apart, the setting of the novel was not too different from Mazvihwa, the place I was when I opened the cover for the first time. So when I think of reading it initially, I also remember the associations I made between its characters and real people in my town. There was an Okonkwo in the village, a Nwoye, an Obierika, and so on. And all the spirituality in the novel was quite routine for the townspeople; we may not have had egwugwus, but we had masvikiro (spirit mediums), and there was nothing to stop us from calling them egwugwus. The book depicted things I witnessed.

Interestingly enough, I read Things Fall Apart later in my literary career. The Dickens and the Hardys, whom I encountered first, in the same village setting, had transported me to distant places. But with Things Fall Apart, which I read at university, I pictured the characters walking around my village. Beside Achebe I read books like Toward a Decolonization of African Literature, or Decolonizing the Mind, or the West and the Rest of Us. In the midst of those treatises, Achebe became to me the father of African literature (in English). In school, the syllabi of the courses I took accorded Achebe’s work a prominent position. After Things Fall Apart, I devoured No Longer at Ease, Arrow of God, Francophone God’s Bits of Wood, Xala, and The Old Man and the Medal. Pouring over Achebe led me to Ngugi waThiongo’s The River Between, The Grain of Wheat, and Devil on the Cross, which led in turn to Wole Soyinka’s The Lion and the Jewel.

This exploration went on for a while, until I finally reached Zimbabwean literature. If one hadn’t read our country’s novels already (shame on you, the academics would say) these were my new authors: Chenjerai Hove, Charles Mungoshi, Dambudzo Marechera, and Musaemura Zimunya. Were these the Fathers of Zimbabwean literature? Why not? In my poem “Like the Poets,” which I wrote that first year of university, I called them “fathers of the literature.” Some of the authors worked in publishing and were intimately involved in the shaping of the literature as it was known then. And yet when I thought of the bigger picture—African Literature–I went back to Achebe. He (as well as Ngugi) wrote essays defining the continent’s aesthetic. I took to hear the lovely phrase: afrocentic sensibility. The syllabi I worked from argued Achebe’s point: All along you have been reading Eurocentric literature, and now is the time to return home to these writers, the fathers, and the occasional mothers [Mariama Ba, Ama ata Aidoo], of African literature.

Now African literature has expanded. We have a new generation of writers and publishers (This should by now be obvious, but I really feel the need to stress that there’s a rennaissance in African Literature). The debates are changing. While the literature is not necessarily seeking to decolonize the mind—to reinvigorate the African languages, even if it occasionally does—at the center of this renaissance is a new African (though not necessarily Afrocentric) sensibility; modern African writers are  aware of the dangers of parable, or “the single story,” and increasingly the message I hear touted is, “we’re no different than them.” African literature is no longer a creature strange from other literary creatures, but rather an animal that can stand erect with others during consideration for the Guardian Fiction Prize, the Orange Prize for Fiction, the Booker, or even the Nobel. Of course, this is not to say it has never stood there before. It has many times, but there were times when it stood there because it was shockingly African. The creature, though still African, is also simply literary.

And in spite of this all, Achebe is rejecting his recent endorsement as the “Father of African Literature.” He told the Brown Daily Herald recently: “It’s really a serious belief of mine that it’s risky for anyone to lay claim to something as huge and important as African literature…I don’t want to be singled out as the one behind it because there were many of us—many, many of us.” Meanwhile, universities have begun to set up Chinua Achebe Institutes, intiatives, etc, and Things Fall Apart is required reading for many high schoool students in the United States. You don’t have to be a father of a literature for all this to happen. You just have to be, as they say, a good writer.


By Emmanuel Sigauke

Emmanuel Sigauke is a Zimbabwean writer based in Sacramento. He teaches composition and creative writing at Cosumness River College, and is a member of the Sacramento Poetry Center Board, where he hosts poetry readings every second Monday. He also runs the blog Wealth of Ideas.

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TEN WAYS TO WRITE A BESTSELLING NOVEL

Wednesday, November 4th, 2009

It’s easy. Just follow these steps:

1. Write a novel about yourself, as fictional as possible, and call it a memoir. Whatever you do, never call a memoir a novel. Make the novel as degrading to yourself as possible. Some suggestions: your parents made you have sex with the cat and mow the lawn with nail clippers; you were forced to play cops and robbers with loaded guns; your Barbie and Ken dolls were stripped of their clothes and placed in provocative positions while you slept. And so forth.

2. Alternatively, write an actual novel and make sure the title is worded as follows: “The _____ Ladies’ _____ Club.” For instance, The Connecticut Ladies’ Philosophy Club. Make sure to include as many colloquialisms as possible, if Connecticut has any colloquialisms.

3. Here’s the most popular method, which is a variation of the suggestion above: Simply rewrite a preexisting bestseller. Here’s one idea: “Hidden” in the painting of The Last Supper, all the plates are empty. Obviously, Jesus didn’t intend to die at all. Rather, he was planning an escape. Take a close look at the painting; dozens of conspiracies suggest themselves.

4. If you must be literary, write about a divorcee headed to Maine or some other rustic area, where she will find herself. Somehow long ago she lost herself in that place to which she is going without ever having been there before. This is called author’s license. In any case, the heroine must always be “lost” at the start of the novel. This is why we call it a novel: People always lose but never find themselves. The self is impossible to find because people talk themselves out of its actual location, which is exactly where they happen to be, the last place anyone wants to be. Don’t let that reality stop you. The more apparently-realistic the literary novel, the further from reality it should travel.

5. Another possibility is to cop a “foreign” writer’s novel and hope no one notices. It worked for Cormac McCarthy; it just might work for you, especially if you have that Montana look, nice and weathered, as if you’ve done just about everything but write.

6. That brings to mind another point: the author bio photo. The less you look like someone who actually writes, the better. The only exception regards novel/memoir writers, who are allowed to look like writers due to the abuse they’ve heaped upon themselves, either literally or not. If writing a romantic novel, get out the makeup. Red hair is preferable. Make sure the photographer uses a special lens that will cause viewers to suspect they have some sort of visual problem that corrects all defects.

7. More on bio pics. For literary writers, pose with your eyeglasses off, holding them in hand with one stem in the mouth, as if you’re about to eat your spectacles. For crime and suspense writers, try to look like Sean Connery.

8. Once upon a time, we had carbon copies, and then we had the photocopying machine, and then we had the scanner. But in all of these cases, it will be obvious if you directly copied a successful novel. It’s not that major publishers would mind; it’s only that doing so would be illegal, and the publisher’s attorneys would mind that. Thus, unfortunately, you’re going to have to rewrite an existing bestseller. Don’t bother trying very hard.

9. Take the page of your dictionary that contains the word “originality” and rip it out. Now formulate a ritual that will forever banish this word from your vocabulary. You might tear the page to shreds and dance beneath them on a shoreline. If the water fails to carry the pieces away, seagulls mistaking them for tofu will. Remember: “Originality” is a word you want to forget…forever. Pick a novel and get going. If you’re a software engineer, you may be able to design a program that does the work for you.

10. Finally, a word about style. Style, as explained and apparently cast upon the world by Moses–though under the names Strunk & White–is defined as “plain and simple.” Like most of the people who will read your bestseller, the language should be plain and simple. You should not even make “word choices.” That implies there’s more than one way to say the same thing. Remember #9, too. Finally, write as if your audience has a fifth grade education, which is largely true, and you can’t go wrong.


By Paul A. Toth

Paul A. Toth lives in Sarasota, Florida. He is the author of three novels, the latest being Finale. The majority of his short fiction, poetry and multimedia work, as well as links to order his novels, can be accessed at www.netpt.tv.

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