SUPER TOM TOM, Part I

Intro:

In Tom Tom Land, music trumpets from the heavens, its pulsing beat fueled by electronic wind chimes and piccolos and silver bells and a synthesizer that sounds like a farting chipmunk. It plays all through the day, and the sun-a lucid, yellow sun-dances and wags its arms to the pumping, narcotic rhythm. The residents of Tom Tom Land (small, cute, mechanical beings) sing and pick flowers and drive little bubble cars on white roads that wind through brilliant green hills.

Tom Tom, who’s known to be precocious and brave, has a red metallic shell that never loses its freshly waxed luster. He has big gooey eyes and a little round mouth. One day Tom Tom is called to the Capitol, where the Governor of Tom Tom Land wrings his three-fingered hands. “Last night, spies from Bruiserland invaded the royal castle. They made off with the princess, stuffed in a black velvet sack.”

“Listen, Tom Tom,” continues the Governor. His eyebrows, two black stripes against his globular face, wiggle as he talks. “You must save her. You must go to Bruiserland, to the land of big, sharp-edged, untidy creatures and bring back the princess. You—though you have no qualifications other than natural courage and precociousness—are the only one who can save her. Please! Hurry! Save the princess!”

Level 1:

Tom Tom leaves the Governor’s office and makes his way to the shore. It is a way he’s traveled many times, though never with this sense of urgency. Along the way he stops to collect the levitating gold octagons that blink against the azure sky. The green land changes to yellow sand, which gives way to cobalt water. Tom Tom’s father, wider than Tom Tom, with three lines on his face that constitute facial hair, stands by a sail boat that, despite Tom Tom Land’s advancements in sound projection, looks highly primitive.

“Take this boat,” Tom Tom’s father says. “And use it to sail to Bruiserland. Be careful my son. Make our people proud.”

Tom Tom waves goodbye to his father, mounts the boat and sails screen right. Dolphins leap from the sea and freeze momentarily, squawking “Hello, brave hero!” and “Good luck, Tom Tom!” The sun emits a pleasant glow, but as Tom Tom’s journey progresses, the sun’s mouth flattens and the music takes on a darker, more pointed tone. As land appears, Bruiserland’s theme music emerges, a hypnotic though danceable mix of electric violin, drum machine, and xylophone riffs. The soil in Bruiserland looks as if it’s been scorched by fire, and hundreds of metallic structures jut into the sky. The sun has disappeared completely behind a grey/brown haze. Tom Tom disembarks onto a little strip of black sand, carrying his green knapsack. How, amidst the smokestacks and skyscrapers, will he find the princess?

Level 2:

His first day in Bruiserland, Tom Tom marches along, ready to fight whatever gnarly beast he might encounter, but try as he may, he does not find enemies. He does not find friends. He does not find levitating golden octagons. Instead, he discovers a variety of strange creatures with hooves and horns and fur and scales, all quite different from the inhabitants of Tom Tom Land. Yet, unlike what he’d anticipated, these creatures do not appear to want to fight, nor confront Tom Tom in any way. Some ignore him, and some openly stare, but mostly they’re too caught up in their own self-determined lives to either obstruct or help him in his mission.

Tom Tom enters a red building with a sign that says Sledgehammer. Tom Tom’s heard—from the instructions that came with the game—that if he collects enough golden octagons, he can purchase things like body armor and sling shots and something called the beret of invisibility. Sledgehammer appears to be no more than a small dark room with a long counter. The creature behind the counter looks like a turtle without the shell; he is short and green and wrinkled, except he has hair plugs. The creature rubs his hand on Tom Tom’s shell. “You looking for work?”

“I have to save the princess,” says Tom Tom.

“Call me Bernie,” says the creature.

“I have to save the princess, Bernie,” says Tom Tom.

“Look,” says Bernie. “If you work here for a while, you can save up some golden octagons for your journey, and then get on your way. Easy as pie.”

Tom Tom thinks for a minute. “What do I have to do?” he asks.

Bernie shows Tom Tom through a door. There’s an immense room in the back with a glass floor that lights up. There’s a stage. There are arc lights covered with pink and green gels. There’s a smoke machine. “You stay up here,” Bernie says, gesturing to a large domed cage. “Dance to the music, enjoy yourself, and at the end of the night I pay you 300 golden octagons.”

“I don’t want to be in a cage,” says Tom Tom. He shivers at the thought of being captured so early in his mission.

“No, no, no,” says Bernie with a laugh. “It’s all for show. It doesn’t even have a lock. Hell, you could probably break the bars. They’re made of Styrofoam.”

Tom Tom blinks.

“It’s the easiest money you’ll find in town.”

“I don’t think so,” Tom Tom tells him. “I’m on a mission.”

Tom Tom leaves and continues down the main commercial street in West Bruiserland. He passes a shop called Joe’s Princess Rescue Supply Store. They have the beret of invisibility in the window (you can’t see it, but there’s a sign below it that says 2000 golden octagons). That’s pretty steep. West Bruiserland’s not at all like Tom Tom Land where golden octagons float freely for anyone who wants them. Nope. Since arriving, Tom Tom has yet to see money levitating anywhere. And he can’t rightly continue on without that nice beret or the magic pointer that costs 5000 golden octagons and has a sign below it that says, “Zaps your enemies to space dust.” How easy it will be to save the princess with that beret and that magic pointer! Tom Tom returns to Sledgehammer and accepts Bernie’s job.

Level 3:

Work at Sledgehammer turns out to be easier than Tom Tom imagined. In the evening, the back room fills with all manner of creatures, some with spikes, some with pointy teeth, some with bristly fur. For the most part they are large and brooding and if it weren’t for the bars on the cage, Tom Tom thinks he would be eaten alive. At least the first night Tom Tom thinks this. Then, after a few days he feels more comfortable and even finds that if he dances, if he smiles at the creatures, if he conceals parts of his shell, if he blinks often and opens and closes his mouth like he’s a fish, the creatures will reward him by throwing golden octagons into his cage. This is in addition to the 300 that Bernie pays him at the end of the night. At a set hour, a bell rings and all the creatures stagger out, a cleaning crew comes in, and Bernie and Tom Tom have a drink together at the bar.

Tom Tom finds a small apartment in a quiet residential neighborhood of West Bruiserland. It’s in a pre-war building with all the original fixtures and refinished hardwood floors. The kitchen’s been updated with stainless steel appliances and Italian granite countertops. Tom Tom pays only a small part of his earnings in rent and the apartment provides him a place to store his golden octagons—they’ve become too heavy to carry in his knapsack—and recover stamina points in order to save the princess. His mission, after all, will take a lot of energy.

Level 4:

By dancing, Tom Tom is able to buy the beret of invisibility. He buys the magic pointer. He even buys a late model rocket ship with very few miles and leather upholstery and a thumping sound system. He buys a bumper sticker that says Tom Tom Land Forever and another that says Don’t Worry Princess, I’m Coming. The speed of the rocket ship will allow him to make up the time he’s lost working at Sledgehammer. He plans to work one more night before leaving to save up some golden octagons for the voyage, for gas and sundries and the such.

On Tom Tom’s last night, as he dances in his cage, he imagines flying over Bruiserland, making his way to the East Side, freeing the princess. He also imagines his mother and father, sitting around the dinner table at home, reminding each other what a wonderful son they have. “He’ll make us so proud!” they say in unison.

When Sledgehammer closes and the patrons have been herded out, Bernie calls Tom Tom to the bar. “Come. Have a drink. Let’s celebrate your last night!”

“Sure,” says Tom Tom. “Why not?” There’s plenty of time. He shouldn’t start until daybreak anyway. Plus, a couple drinks with his buddy Bernie won’t hurt anybody. Bernie pours three Midori Sours and a tall creature with a thick, trunk-like body covered in fine black fur, a red horn sprouting from his forehead, takes a seat besides Tom Tom.

“Tom Tom, this is Hank. He owns Sledgehammer.”

“Pleased to meet you,” says Hank, offering Tom Tom his hand. He has gold rings on each of his clawed fingers. Tom Tom examines him carefully.

“Nice horn,” says Tom Tom, gazing at the perfectly formed spike jutting from his head. Tom Tom’s not sure why he said it. Maybe he’s drunk already.

“Funny thing,” says Hank, “I was going to say how much I liked your shell.”

Level 5:

Tom Tom wakes in a strange, but comfortable bed. His shell is dull and his lips feel dry. At first, he thinks he is dreaming. Hank lays flat on his back next to Tom Tom, his belly rising and falling to the soft rhythm of the theme music. He’s snoring loudly and Z’s float in the space above his head. There’s a spectacular view of the sea out the windows. Tom Tom thinks that if there were clear days in Bruiserland, he might be able to see all the way to Tom Tom Land from here. Tom Tom stares out the window for a few moments, presumably the time it takes to connect his homeland with the people counting on him to complete his mission. “I must save the princess!” he says suddenly in a loud bright voice, though there’s no audience, so it’s mostly done to appease his conscience.

Tom Tom hurries back to his apartment where he fills his knapsack with the invisibility beret, the magic pointer, the keys to the rocketship, and a few things from the fridge: some blood oranges, a bottle of spring water, a can of Red Bull. He’s fixing himself a sandwich of smoked turkey, brie, and avocado on a piece of baguette when the phone rings. It’s Hank.

“Hey,” says Hank. He sounds like he just woke up. “You left early. I thought I could make you a frittata.”

“Don’t’ worry,” says Tom Tom. He feels ashamed for not remembering how he ended up in Hank’s bed. He really just wants to get off the phone. “I should go. I have something I need to take care of today.”

“I’d really like to see you again.”

“Oh.” Tom Tom says. He stops with the sandwich.

“You seem nice. And different too. I’m into different. Let’s meet for coffee. I’d like to get to know you better.”

Tom Tom is quiet. He blinks. “When?”

“Right now.”

Level 6:

Tom Tom tells himself that a short coffee meeting at Café Istanbul with Hank, obviously an important person in Bruiserland given the size and location of his apartment, will only help in his quest for the princess. After all, being precocious and brave and having a rocket ship and a hat that makes you invisible are all really great, but this is the princess we’re talking about. She’s sure to be surrounded by thousands of armed guards and impenetrable electric walls. Hank—who’s older and more familiar with Bruiserland’s complex workings—must know something about the strategy one should employ when saving a princess. Given all this, Tom Tom feels it’s in his best interest to sit and drink Turkish coffee and share a baklava with Hank, who he doesn’t remember much from the night before, but later, when Tom Tom explains the nature of his mission, he finds Hank to be both compassionate and understanding.

“This must be hard on you,” says Hank, his horn leaning sympathetically to one side.

“Being all by yourself in this strange place, trying to pull off what you’ve just described. It sounds so difficult. And talk about stress! What a burden for a little fellow to take on. Plus, god forbid, you might not even succeed.”

Tom Tom hadn’t thought about the possibility of failing. “You mean I might not save the princess?”

“Think about your it,” says Hank. “You’re going to take a rocketship all the way across Bruiserland and then what? Become invisible and blast the guards with your magic pointer and then they’ll just surrender the princess? I’m sorry Tom Tom, that’s just not the way Princesses are rescued over here.”

Tom Tom, if he were programmed to make tears, would probably have criedy, but since he wasn’t, he just blinks.

“Listen,” Hank says. He has wonderfully warm eyes, not just yellow, but a burnt amber color. “I have some friends in diplomatic circles. Maybe we can talk to them about brokering some kind of deal to get her back. I can’t promise anything, but it’s worth a try.”

“You’d do that for me?”

“Of course,” says Hank. He moves his hairy paw so that it covers Tom Tom’s smooth three-fingered hand. “I’m really into you Tom Tom.”

ON THURSDAY: Levels 7 through 17

By Adam Scott (Illustration by Johnathan Reid Sevigny)