MEET YOUR COLLATERAL DAMAGE

(Sponsored by the U.S. Armed Forces)

Attention men! In compliance with executive order PHUC-U-COWRD, please stand in line by the conveyor belt. Your collateral damage will be delivered soon after depressing the red button on the remote you see now in my hand. Like so. Wait patiently for the bucket. In demonstration, here comes Ishmael, my collateral damage. When your CD arrives, remove it from the bucket. Ishmael may only appear to be a pair of lips, but see his spunk? Feel him quiver in your palm. Such vitality, such life! Not all CDs come so lively, you can imagine. Return the bucket to the conveyor belt. Depress the button. Retire to the reunion ball for snacks and punch. Got it, troops? Your turn. First in line, Sergeant Smithy. Smithy? Don’t be shy, son, there’s a first time for everyone. Step up, depress the button. Here comes your bucket. Smithy? Smithy? Remove your collateral damage from the bucket, Smithy. That’s an order, soldier. Good. You remember little Maram. Maram was collecting pebbles in the street when you led the convoy over the threat of her spine. Relax, son. We understand orders. IEDs, martyrdom, it’s a hard world out there for soldiers. Right, Smithy? We’ve retained a cup of Maram’s blood to store her eye in. And what an eye! Bloody Maram, beautiful, brown, and bobbing, but somehow still contracting. Just a joke, there, Smithy. Smile, soldier. Remove Maram from the cup now. See how friendly she is inside your palm. Roll her around some, but don’t forget the blood. Be careful; she’s more fragile than she looks. Move along now, soldier. Smithy? Stop that now, Smithy. That’s an order. Retire to the reunion ball for snacks and punch. Next in line! Private Peters, your puckered stump has arrived, still suppurating!

(This program is currently under review by the Pentagon)

by Steve Owen